Last night as I sat on the floor balancing two kids with my left arm and petting Mulligan's soft fur with my other hand, I realized that during the past week my mind has been carrying out the image my body currently portrayed. I have been holding tightly to those that I love and trying to make sure that I communicate my feelings in the present moment. However, a large part of my energy has been focused on looking back and reliving the memories of the eleven years that have passed since Mulligan entered our family.
Mulligan is our beloved dog, our "first baby" of sorts. We chose Mulligan together when we were just starting our own relationship. We had moved in together and felt ready to share the responsibility and joy of a puppy. Granted, we stressed ourselves out over dog ownership in the first few weeks and were ecstatic when Mulligan learned his commands and to use the great outdoors rather than our floor for some of his most basic needs. We grew closer to each other over the furry head of this darling puppy who quickly won our hearts.
Mulligan filled every stereotype of a herding dog as a pet. Most of the time he was as endearing as possible - wanting to be right with us at every possible moment. We would laugh about his waiting on the bath mat while one of us was in the shower. We would complain about his knack of tripping us on the stairs as we tried to enter our own home. Mulligan had that keen hearing and could sense when one of our cars had turned onto our street... he would begin to moan in earnest as if he couldn't stand to wait for our steps to bring us to him.
He also had his other habits which we grew used to, if never fond of. He was obsessed with the dishwasher and trying to lick the dirty dishes. Mulligan barked and lunged at the door with a fierceness reserved for true criminals when he merely heard the sound of the UPS truck pulling up to the curb. On more than one occasion, this ominous barking would then be followed by a baby crying, woken too soon from a nap.
There were also times that Mulligan brought us so much laughter. His unknown talent of opening the electric windows in our car and jumping out into Lincoln Park while waiting in the ferry line. His complete and utter focus on the tennis ball as he ran off my parents' deck to fetch the beloved ball from the yard ten feet below. His unexpected fear of watermelons and pumpkins... growling and arching back to prove his fierceness when presented with the evil melon or squash. The puppy days of carrying Mulligan up the hill from Alki because he refused to take another step. The time when camping Mulligan's face looked like the heavens had shone upon him when in reality a sausage had dropped off the table in front of his nose.
Throughout all phases of his life, Mulligan has showed us the ultimate loyalty. He has loved our family and wanted to be with us, no matter what the circumstances. Over the years, we introduced two competitors for our affection. We went through parenting phases when we were simply too exhausted to take the old long walks with our loving dog. Mulligan simply enjoyed his shorter route and resumed his spot next to our bed when we returned. He gave the heartfelt sigh of contentment when invited onto the couch and did not complain when that same couch was used to nurse babies, change diapers and eventually hold toddlers with big, heavy books which sometimes dropped on the floor too close to Mulligan's nose. Mulligan would simply recircle, find his spot and resume his facade of rest while truly waiting for the dishwasher to open again.
We have loved this dog with our whole hearts and are not ready to see him move on to his next adventure. We know his time with us is coming to a close and I am terrified of the first time I walk into our house and the silence when there is no dog to moan and wag his whole tail-less body to greet me. Mulligan represents an entire chapter in our lives which I would give anything to be able to rewind and experience again.
And, a small part of my grief in knowing that we will soon be saying goodbye to Mulligan is that his passing , in some ways, also represents a turning point in our own lives. Mulligan shared our children's babyhood with all of its joy, learning and hard work. I wish that Mulligan could also be with us to enjoy the fabulous family times that are still to come at each age with our kids. However, I know that we cannot prolong a life that is ready to move to the next chapter. Time keeps moving forward and I can just hope that I can focus on each day, enjoy and experience each moment as it comes. I'm trying hard to be present in all areas of life and Mulligan has been my cheerleader all along the way. Helping me to slow down, relax and look around me. Enjoy my family, friends and food without tainting the moment with future worries or past regrets. Get outside, breathe the fresh air... remember that breath when times get stressful.
As we get ready to say goodbye to Mulligan, I can only hope he understands just how much we love him and appreciate his presence in our lives. I hope he can forgive us our sometimes hurried ways and feel our love wherever his spirit next travels. And that we can keep his memory alive by loving our kids and each other in the same deeply loyal, constant, forgiving way that Mulligan has loved us for his whole life.
May it be so...
